Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
