i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
