Umm I'm too high to move.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
ugly people sure do ruin things
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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