She went from zero to smokin in five shots
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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