Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
