just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
