So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
