I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize