No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
