I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
