please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
