The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
