How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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