I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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