He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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