I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
