i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You have to summon your inner elephant
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
