Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
