i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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