dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
