My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize