How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The air was thick with penises
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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