just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
