Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Brb crying the tears of my youth
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
