This is not my ceiling
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
