Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
