yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And then my night got REAL pukey
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
