I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He passed out mid-signature
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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