you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
