this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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