i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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