all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
