my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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