I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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