the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
