She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
