"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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