Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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