we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
