I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
where are my eyebrows?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
