How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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