Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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