hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
