Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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