We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
