Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
