I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
