my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
