Taylor Swift is so right about you.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
