the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
