I'm pants shitting drunk right now
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
sarcasm needs its own font
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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