I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
