you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
