she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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