ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
