I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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