the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
