she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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