her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
