and next time when you feel me up, do it right
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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