Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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