Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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