I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
