Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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