Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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