twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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