Sponge bath it is.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
