You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Your cock deserves a montage
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
